ASK TILT!!! Volume One, Issue One.
Posted: January 27th, 2012 by ORBIT
Dearest Readers:
TILT is away from his desk this week and on a book tour with his latest work of historical non-fiction “My Crazy Flippers: The Life and Times of the Smell’s Angels”. Our guest column this week has been curated by none other than Danny Backglass, the Pied Piper of Pee-Pees.
Dear ASK TILT!!! ASK BACKGLASS!!!:Â
Why do I suck at pinball?
-Nate at the Standard
My mother had a saying back in Gary, Indiana. She used to poke her head out the window on a blistering hot day in July and scream, “Lil’ RAY RAY! Time to wash your fucking jeans!” Well Nate, its time to wash your fucking jeans. Stop thinking about tournaments and local notoriety. There was a lone ranger in town we all used to look up to. He used the initials DEN. He holds astronomical Grand Champs at GK that have endured for years, untouched. Do you think DEN was walking up in GK with some godamn mustard stained jeans from Dodgers Stadium in July? No. He did what my mother said, came inside and washed his fucking jeans, Nate.
Till Death.
Dear ASK TILT!!! ASK BACKGLASS!!!:Â
I have two questions. One, do you find its better to start the Joker multi ball prior to the Scarecrow as to leave that easy jackpot shot open on the Joker and eliminating that Scarecrow fleeting captive ball from deflecting shots on it? Than that leaves the Scarecrow open after the Joker, to which you can light again than go directly for re lighting the Joker multi ball so you can get the stack the second time around? And, does Slam Tilt smell better with a beard or worse. I cant remember.
your beloved reader,
-Danny Backglass
Backglass, you got your name for being “blingy”. Wearing those shiny chains like Mr. T. You bling like your inner knowledge shines across mountains of freshly novus’d playfields. You’re thinking too much ahead of time. Listen to the game. If it’s telling you leave the Scarecrow be, than leave it “B”. Double that Joker and reach out to Heath Ledger. As once stated in Brokebackglass Mountain, “You pair of deuces lookin’ for work, I suggest you get your scrawny asses in here pronto!”
Thats what he is saying to you Backglass. Get your scrawny ass into that Ledger Super Jackpot pronto!
As for Slam Tilt, that guy smells worse than the naked bike ride. Beard or no beard.
Till Death.
Dear ASK TILT!!! ASK BACKGLASS!!!:Â
Why were you running around with those Amish dudes cutting off people’s beards? I thought you liked beards. Or do you only like your own beard, and you feel threatened by other beards?
Beardly,
ROM. Your hands sweat worse than being trapped in a fucking van with 6 hippy’s in the middle of “la playa” during “a dust storm” at some stupid festival where they set a man on fire. The name escapes me. I would recommend a product I used on my feet for over-perspiration. I used to think I suffered from athletes foot because the “dr. funk” would get at my “dogs” and them shits be “barkin” making me “The Doctor Footz.” Until I realized I just suffer from and overly stimulated sweat gland commonly known as a simple case of “excessive perspiration.” The product is Certain Dri. I find the pad form to be quite effective.
Till Death.
Dear ASK TILT!!! ASK BACKGLASS!!!:Â
Can you send your hot sauce to California? I know this question isn’t technically about pinball, love, or drinking, but I’m hurtin’ pretty bad down here.
Pinball, love, and drinking,
-Legs
Show your tits. Show your tits!
Till Death.
Dear ASK TILT!!! ASK BACKGLASS!!!:Â
The other night I had a dream I was getting a hand job from Mitt Romney. Why?
Sincerely,
-Confused (aloysius wilderburr)
Dear Confused,
I too am confused sometimes. Topics of sexuality, who am I? Who was I suppose to be? Gay Republican? Closeted Democrat? Leader of the Gary Indiana chapter of the White American Gay Freedom Fighters? I think your dreams answers all these questions. Tilt: A lumberjack… Maybe. Never, I’m too honest to myself. In the future… I would say your dream is a reflection. A malfunctioning coil. A rat nest on top of day one mylar. A piece of chewing gum jammed in the coin slot in the only game in the state. The union of two balls. Then, BLAM! Four balls. Then, who is this getting his pair in the mix. Newt! Holy shit 4 player game on Sterns Indiana Jones. Oh fuck, Newt! I’m playing Indiana Jones. Six balls. SIX BALLS! Who do you want to be the seven and eight?
Till Death.
Dear ASK TILT!!! ASK BACKGLASS!!!:Â
I recently forgot my password for the message board and I no longer have the original email account I used to create my profile. I have been praying every night for God to send a working password to my gmail account, but I have yet to receive one. Does this mean that there is no God or does he/she just not want me to use the message board?
Thank you in advance for your prompt reply.Â
Sincerely,Â
-FHF
There is a God. He wants you in 4th place. He told me your real name. Its Fred. Fourth Place Fred. Funky Ass Fourth Place Muthafukkin Fred. 5 Hail Marys. 15 Our Fathers. Than we shall see about that password. As once said on a mid 90’s pinball machine, “Gone Fish’n, Leave a message.”
Till Death.
(Please CLICK HERE to submit more questions to ASK TILT!!! or deposit a question in the comment box below!)
9 Responses to 'ASK TILT!!! Volume One, Issue One.'
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Nate at the Standard 27 Jan 12 at 9:28 pm
Just got some new jeans. Hopefully my renewed confidence will up my game.
Thanks Backglass
ROM 30 Jan 12 at 3:36 pm
I thought we were friends, man. I thought we were friends…
Danny Backglass 31 Jan 12 at 1:01 pm
I thought I was a ghost writer. I was gonna blow your mind with Tilts insight.
ROM 31 Jan 12 at 2:00 pm
I’m sure I’ve high-fived Tilt before, and then he was all, “damn rom is grossness. NOTED.” So my mind may not have been blown.
autofire 5 Feb 12 at 2:04 pm
is it ok for me to have a home version of fireball just so its the right size for kickback to play when he visits?
Danny Backglass 6 Feb 12 at 11:48 am
Hey Autofire. Tilt Backglass here. When life gives you piles of shit, make a poop chair for Kickback to sit in when he visits.
autofire 6 Feb 12 at 7:05 pm
Thank you O wise one.
ORBIT 14 Feb 12 at 2:57 pm
Time to wash your fucking jeans ROM.
Emma 16 Feb 12 at 1:23 pm
Holy fuckin shit man. This post just wiped my brain clean.